I was recently asked to review a book chapter by someone I both like and respect. My immediate instinct was to say “of course! I’d be happy to help,” but I could also hear my wife’s voice in the back of my mind saying “You’re not allowed to complain that you’re too busy and also keep saying yes to everyone who asks for your time.”
I hate it when the imaginary version of my wife is right, and I knew she was in this case.
At some level, I’ve always measured my own worth by what I can do for people. I wanted to be a veterinarian because it would let me heal animals and help the people who love them. I have measured my success writing by how many people tell me that they were helped by something I put out, and I gauge the value of the Uncharted conferences I run based on what people take away. That’s why I was sad when I wrote back to my friend and gave her a long, rambling explanation about why I needed to decline her request.
Here is her entire response:
Hey, you can’t be everything to everyone all the time. Don’t forget to take care of yourself Andy. We value you for who you are, not what you can do for us 🙂
I sat in my chair and stared at what she wrote. My eyes stung, and I felt a tightness in my chest that was hopefully a Grinch-style heart-growing-three-sizes moment, rather than the first recorded case of Boxer Cardiomyopathy in a human.
I don’t remember the last time someone shared those sentiments with me so clearly, and reading this note took a weight off my shoulders. I thought about it for the rest of the day.
I’m sharing this email with you because I suspect that maybe you need to see these ideas written down just like I did. I would not be surprised if you also sometimes judge your worth based on what you can give, and you convince yourself that if you just try hard enough you can keep every single ball from dropping.
You can’t be everything to everyone all the time
We value you for who you are, not what you can do for us
I hope one day I’ll send someone a note that says so much in so few words. I also hope that someone reading this today needs to see it, and that they can set the guilt of a busy life aside, even if just for a while.
To you who is reading this: Thank you for trying hard. Thank you for being the person you are. You don’t need to do anything else. You are valuable for who you are, not what you can do for us.
