Happy Scare-The-Crap-Out-Of-Your-Dog Day!
There are three kinds of people in America: those who want fireworks on the 4th of July, those who want light-up drone displays, and those who want to go to sleep. I am a card-carrying member of the latter group.
When I was growing up, I had a friend whose mother said that nothing good happens after 9pm. While I strongly disagreed with her until I had children, being a father has basically made this comment into my religion. If I were to start a cult, 9pm bedtime would be a core tenet of our beliefs right up there with pets are always allowed on the furniture. Would we end up in a flashy documentary that everyone would watch on Netflix? No. Would we get the best seats at the local breakfast restaurant every Saturday morning? You bet your monogrammed silk pajamas!
But I don’t see my early bedtime cult going very far. One reason is because Monday Night Football doesn’t start until 9pm on the east coast and any religion that comes up against MNF is going to lose in America. Also, Americans can’t seem to come together on anything right now, and I suspect that goes double for society-wide quiet hours.
If I’m recruiting though, I do think my Cult of the Holy Bedtime has a chance to convert people from the drone display group. While drone displays can be VERY cool, I personally have not met anyone who is fanatical about them. I feel like I could at least talk to these people about our divine savior, Tempur-Pedic.
Even if drone display people decide they don’t want to convert to go-to-bed-early people, I’m confident that our two groups can coexist peacefully. Drone displays, afterall, don’t make any noise and are completely invisible to everyone with curtains drawn. I think a live-and-let-live agreement seems pretty feasible between our groups.
Bedtime people and fireworks people, however, seem destined for ongoing conflict. While you can sleep soundly with a swarm of drones right on top of your house, that’s not the case with MASSIVE EXPLOSIONS THAT CAN BE HEARD FOR MILES (this is a link worth clicking).
Firework people and go-to-bed people are oil and water. We are Star Trek and Star Wars fans at a comic book convention with only one Sci-Fi panel. We are the Hatfields and McCoys if one side desperately wanted to rest. There can be no peace between us (at least for 1 night of the year, anyway).
Right about now, you’re probably thinking “Wait. Are you not doing the early bedtime cult thing? Because I think we should talk more about that. Also, how exactly do you know your group is in the right in this conflict?”
Good question!
In any conflict, there’s an easy way to tell which side is the good guys: they’re the people that dogs and cats want to be with. Think about it. Aside from witches (who use magic and have cats), can you think of any other dastardly ne’er-do-wells who set pets at ease? No.
Bank robbers, arsonists, people who break into ATMs using heavy machinery… they all freak out pets. You know who else freaks out pets? Firework people. You know who pets love? That’s right. Early bedtime people.
I know I can’t prevent people from setting the sky on fire, even if our beloved pets desperately want that. I can, however, remind people that the kindest thing we can give to pets who are going to be terrified when the fireworks come is an early bedtime.
If you want to be a charter member of the Cult of the Holy Bedtime, just ask your veterinarian about it. When they look at you like you’ve lost your mind, just tell them your pet is afraid of fireworks and ask for support in helping them relax without fear. They’ll know what you mean.
