A note for anyone who is trying to make a tough decision or going through a hard time
Someone recently asked me how to make hard decisions. “How do you know when to give up on a marriage or a complicated family relationship? When should you quit the job you’ve had for a decade or shut down the small business that’s barely profitable?” Decisions like these feel monumental, and there is often no objectively right answer.
If you’ve been reading my stuff for very long, you know I believe our lives are defined by struggle. I don’t view that as a depressing thing at all. I believe we are all on a “hero’s journey” towards self improvement and personal development, and no one can become a hero without facing (and ultimately overcoming) challenges. (Let that sink in for a moment. Andy Roark believes that you are a hero and the hardship you are facing is a battle you will overcome. I hope that makes you smile.)
Given that life is defined by challenge, I agree with the Buddhist idea that empowerment comes from consciously choosing how we will struggle. We can struggle with boredom from sitting attentively at our kid’s holiday dance recital, or we can struggle with the frustration from our spouse and the relationship fallout with our kid that comes from being on our phone during something that was deemed important to the family. We can struggle to deal with the client who wants a giant bottle of antibiotics for her multiple dogs at home that we haven’t seen, or we can struggle with the ethical and legal ramifications of just giving her what she wants. We can struggle with the financial burden of buying a new car or the stress of limping along with the one we have. You get the picture.
This concept shouldn’t be seen as morbid. It should instead be a guide to setting healthy expectations and believing our choices matter. We have great power over what paths we end up walking in life. Let us never forget that.
If you accept this worldview, or at least see the value in it, then the question of how to make hard decisions becomes pretty straightforward. You simply look at your options and try your best to predict the type and quantity of suffering you will endure under each one. If you decide to fire the toxic person at your clinic, you will work shorthanded and may have to manage the emotions of those who actually liked the one let go. If you keep this person, you will continue to deal with crying staff members, a feeling of guilt that you aren’t providing people with the workplace culture you want them to have, and the possibility of good staff members leaving. If you sell the veterinary clinic that you built then you will suffer with a greatly reduced level of control over what happens there. If you don’t sell it, you’ll continue to carry the burden of making decisions and sweating practice finances.
The biggest challenge in making good choices is thus the ability to predict suffering on a path you have not yet walked. This, my friends, is the value of experience!
Experience is the ability to more accurately predict struggles and suffering if you choose a given path. For example, if you have dealt with a toxic staff member before, you will be better able to predict the struggles associated with keeping or letting someone like this go. Alternatively, if you have never worked in a veterinary clinic that you did not own, you’ll probably find it quite difficult to anticipate how you will truly feel when you are no longer the chief decision maker in the practice you built. This is the irreplaceable power of life experience.
My father’s favorite expression has always been “Good judgment comes from experience…and experience from bad judgment.” If you’re having a hard time right now, I want you to remember that there is no path forward that doesn’t involve struggle. And even if you feel like you might have chosen the wrong path, you are still gaining experience – the most valuable thing you can have for making tough choices in the future.
So, whether you are struggling to make a hard decision or just to get through the day, hang in there. You are most likely doing what you need to do to go forward. Remember, you are on a hero’s journey… and it’s going to work out.
