Last week, I mentioned that one of the lessons I’ve learned in my life is how little control we have over the identity of our children. We are not the architects of the tiny people we create. We are simply their gardeners.
This revelation has brought a lot of questions for me about peoples’ ability to change. That includes the ability to change ourselves. If you live the first 20 years of your life as someone who hates to exercise, can you ever become the person who loves to hit the gym at 6am? If you have had a temper since you were a toddler, can you one day stop feeling frustrated so quickly? Or are some aspects of who we are simply part of our unchangeable mental hardware, instead of our more flexible, updateable software?
A good friend of mine believes that people do not change, but they can change how they show up. I am not entirely sure that she’s right, but I have come to believe that if people do change it’s only through a process akin to flowing water shaping stone. There’s nothing easy or fast about deep changes to human beings.
Whether we can change who we are or just how we show up, I’ve come to believe there are four powers we have to influence the development of people. I think of these powers as separate streams of water that we direct across the stone that makes up our identity. None of these powers are “switches” that can radically change us, but rather persistent forces we can harness to mold ourselves over time. To effectively direct these streams and mold ourselves over time, there are four key powers we must understand and utilize. They are:
1. Thoughts and attitudes
While we may not be able to avoid life’s difficulties, we can always alter our perspective on them. As the Buddha says, “What you think, you become. What you feel, you attract. What you imagine, you create.”
I have learned that the worst thought I can have when starting a new project is “I hate this.” The second worst is “I’m terrible at this.” Both of these thoughts put me into a mental framework that robs me of any joy I might find in the process and point me in the direction of failure. If I can instead decide to think “This is going to be an opportunity for me to learn and get better. I’m going to be kind to myself,” then everything goes more smoothly. I truly believe the first step to changing ourselves is changing what we think and feel.
2. Behavioral tools
Let’s say, for example, I have an emotional reaction every time someone forces me to change my plans at the last minute. At some point I must recognize this pattern in my behavior and stop acting surprised by it. Once I know I behave a certain way in a given situation, the next step is to acquire a behavioral approach I can use instead of what I have done in the past.
Tools can be as simple as catching myself and remembering not to react, but instead take a breath and count to 10. Tools can also be phrases we commit to memory and say out loud like “I’m going to need a minute to process this,” instead of saying whatever comes into our heads. We can’t just decide we want to change. We must determine how, exactly, we want to change. Then we need to have our new tool out and ready to use.
3. Our schedule
Developing these behavioral tools is vital, but our internal changes alone are insufficient. We must also consider our external context, starting with something we often overlook: our daily schedule. For example, if I don’t want to eat so much junk food, then maybe I shouldn’t go grocery shopping on my way home from work when I’m starving. If I want to write a book, maybe I should put “writing time” on my calendar to make it happen. If I want to be present at my kids’ sporting events, maybe I need to put them on my calendar the moment they are announced and protect them at least as much as a work commitment.
One of my father’s favorite sayings is “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” We all intend to do the things that will make us better people, but intending isn’t enough. Sometimes we need to schedule the changes we want to have happen.
4. Our environment
We are all a product of our environments. Spending time with angry people will eventually make us angry ourselves. Filling our phones with apps that encourage procrastination will reduce what we get done in a day, and standing next to the dessert table at the neighborhood picnic will increase the chances that we eat more sweets than we intended.
It’s easier to be the person we want when we aren’t surrounded by temptation, and it’s hard to stay warm and comfortable when we are standing in the rain. If we want to change ourselves, we often first need to change our environment.
By consciously reshaping our environment, we establish a foundation for sustainable change. Now, it’s crucial to understand that whether you’re focused on personal transformation or guiding someone else’s growth, these four powers function as an interconnected system.
Unfortunately, we often fixate on behavioral tools in isolation because they are relatively easy to create and can feel like a “quick fix.” Embracing a more holistic approach is essential to unlock further progress. Often we go straight to behavioral tools and think of nothing else. This is a mistake. Thinking holistically about what we need to be successful opens a lot of doors for moving forward.
Ultimately, change, whether in ourselves or others, is an ongoing process that requires intentionality and a multi-faceted approach. By harnessing the power of our thoughts, developing behavioral tools, managing our schedules, and thoughtfully designing our environments, we can steadily shape the individuals we aspire to be. Don’t just intend to change – take action and watch the transformation unfold.
