DrAndyRoark.com

Articles, Videos, & Training on Pets & Veterinary Medicine

Ericka Mendez, DVM

We Should All Be Able to Reach the Paper Towels

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My practice was built by a man who is 6 feet 7 inches tall. A tall man by anyone’s standards. 

The countertops are tall and the shelves are high. 

I am the opposite of tall. I am very short, standing at 5 feet 1 inch on a good day. It took me years to be able to ride the big rollercoasters and I still get excited when I walk by the “you need to be this tall to ride this ride” sign. 

If I need paper towels I have to climb onto the countertop to grab them from the top shelf where they are stored or find the step ladder, bring it out, set it up, and then put it away. 

If I want to grab a bag of Dasequin to look at the ingredients I need to do the same thing. But often, I’m in a rush so I just stand on the top rungs of the rickety stool much to my coworkers and OSHA’s horror. 

If I’m looking through the eyepieces of the microscope I have to put one foot under my bottom so that my eyes can reach comfortably. 

And when I sit at my desk, I have to have something under it for my feet to rest on because my legs dangle which makes them fall asleep and strains my knees if I sit too long. 

It makes working in this practice, a practice that was literally built to accommodate the needs of someone tall, just a little bit more challenging. I have to work to get my needs met a little bit harder and some things, like grabbing the paper towels that are on top of the cabinets, almost impossible unless I put myself at risk or get someone to help me.

Now, this is not to say that outside of this practice tall people don’t face any struggles. They have their issues too. I know they have trouble finding shoes and pants that fit and airplane rides are painful. I know they have to duck when they enter a room sometimes and bang their heads often. I get that neither of us has it peachy keen all the time. 

But in my work environment, the place I spend most of my day, I have to adjust myself to be effective in a place that was not built for me and puts me at a slight disadvantage. A disadvantage that the tall person cannot see or feel because they have a completely different perspective. Their eyes are not open to my struggles because unless I pipe up and say “hey, the paper towels are stored out of my reach, hey, the medication on the top shelf is inaccessible, hey, I can’t reach the microscope, hey, my desk is too high,” then they will never know. 

This is what is happening right now. Black people are saying “hey.” This is my experience. I know it may not be yours, and I’m not saying that you don’t have your own struggles, too. I’m saying that I’m doing my best in a system that was not built for me and in some instances, was built against me. And we need to work together and collaborate on how to make it better. 

But if the people they are talking to keep insisting that what black people are saying is not true because that isn’t their perspective, that isn’t their experience, then there can be no dialogue. There can be no collaboration. There can be no solution. And things will not change. 

It starts with a willingness to say, even though this is not my reality, even though this is not my experience, I believe you, and I will stand with you and help you. 

We, as a country are not completely there yet. We are in the “hey, I need you to pay attention to this” and “I need you to be willing to accept my perspective phase.” To listen to how I experience this world and believe me enough to take action. 

To be willing to listen to my struggles and know that mine do not invalidate your own. Do not belittle yours. Do not make yours less important. To remember that when we help others rise, we all rise together. 

I know this isn’t as easy as short and tall. It is so much more complicated than that. But if you can begin to understand that your perspective and life experience is not the only perspective and life experience and that when we begin to insert our own belief system and judgment, we are apt to invalidate others’ experiences consciously or subconsciously. 

When we can listen with open minds, without judgment, without our own belief system clouding our vision, and accept another perspective as truth, then we are taking that first important step. 

This is important work we do.

You got this.

The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the position of the DrAndyRoark.com editorial team.

Are You Making This Mistake with Your Clients?

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How to ace the blame game. 8 questions you need to know. 

My daughter trips and drops her lego on the floor. The lego that she just spent 2 hours creating. Immediately she is in a rage and her rage is directed at me. She’s yelling at me because it is my fault that she dropped her lego. She’s in full-on blame mode and her little 7-year-old brain can’t cope with any of the feelings that she is having and so it goes straight to blame as a coping mechanism.  It is an effective coping mechanism because as long as she is raging at me she isn’t feeling bad at herself for dropping it. She isn’t feeling shame that she made a mistake. She isn’t doubting herself or questioning her capabilities.  

This is what blame does. It is a shield that prevents us from looking at ourselves or facing our own feelings of inadequacy or failure. It shields us from shame. But it does us a disservice.  

It does us a disservice because as long as we are looking outside of ourselves for something to change, for something to be fixed, for someone else to do or be, act or say something different, we are powerless. And it is victimhood and helplessness at its finest. Everywhere I look on social media these days I see it. Veterinarians venting about this client or that client followed by words of support and stories of commiseration.  

Look, I get it. Clients are behaving badly in crazy and unexpected ways and it is so easy to blame them for your crappy day but I need to tell you, the blame game is a trap and it isn’t helping you. It is time we stopped using blame in our relationships. And I’m not just talking about our intimate relationships, I’m talking about our relationships with our friends, our family, our co-workers and our clients. 

The reason this is so important is that when you go through life needing your clients, your boss, your mom, your partner or your children to act a certain way in order for YOU to be OK or happy, you are setting yourself up for failure. 

Sure, everyone may play by your set of rules in your head sometimes. Maybe even most of the time. But when it doesn’t, unless you have some other strategy in play, the hurt and the pain will be too much to bear and you will resort to the flimsy shield of blame to protect yourself. And in doing so you will give up your power. 

Is it nice when our clients are sweet as pie, have unending patience, and do everything we ask of them? Yes of course it is. But I don’t need every client to be that way in order for me to have a good day. 

Bad things are going to happen. People will get upset, people will say mean things, people will be curt and rude because they are having a hard time. I can’t control them. 

What I can control is myself. I can control my thoughts. I can choose to keep my power in the situation and avoid laying blame. I can choose to respond to who they are instead of reacting to what they are doing. 

If someone is upset I’m going to look at the situation and see if I can figure out where my personal responsibility in the situation lies by asking myself the following questions: 

  1. Am I being clear with my communication? 
  2. Am I holding unrealistic expectations of them? 
  3. Have I been unclear as to communicating what their expectations of me are?
  4. Am I holding judgment of them and acting as such? 
  5. Do I need to adjust a policy or procedure? 
  6. Is this a time for me to practice compassion without understanding? 
  7. Where in this mess is the gift, the learning point FOR ME?  
  8. What can I do to make amends or do better next time? 

Because as long as we are willing to shift the blame onto someone else, we will not grow. We will not learn to be resilient. We will not take the lesson from the situation and so we will be destined to repeat the unpleasantness. Over and over again. Which leads to a pretty crappy life experience. 

The key is learning how to master yourself, your thoughts and your emotions so that no matter how the other person is acting, no matter what they are doing, you are ok. This is a skill and here is your first lesson. 

This is important work we do. 

You got this. 

The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the position of the DrAndyRoark.com editorial team.

It’s Not About You… They Might Have Diarrhea

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This was Mrs. Rudder’s third visit to see me about Harry’s skin. The little old pug sat happily on the bench next to her and I gently looked him over. Overall, he was doing great! His skin was less red and he was no longer keeping her up at night with his scratching. However, as I looked up at Mrs. Rudder she didn’t seem happy at all. 

Which was odd. Mrs. Rudder was generally a very sweet and kind woman who loved her little dog. Our visits were usually pleasant and we often laughed over how much Harry liked his belly rubbed. Only today she seemed upset. She was definitely not happy and I began to wrack my brain as to what I had done wrong.

Was she not happy with how Harry was doing? Was she upset I was running a little behind and she had to wait? Was she mad that this was her third visit? Had I overstepped by asking for one more recheck just to make sure he was doing ok? On and on my brain went. Trying to make sense of why Mrs. Rudder was so obviously upset with me.

Before I could make sense of what was happening Mrs. Rudder stood up and told me that she needed to go. She hurried out the door to the lobby with Harry in tow and I slowly walked back to my desk, still running the interaction over and over in my head. My brain was in overdrive. I felt out of sorts and had a knot in my stomach. 

Ten minutes passed. Ten very unproductive minutes. I walked out to the lobby to greet my next patient and was surprised when Mrs. Rudder reappeared and motioned for me to come over to her. My heart sank as I made my way over to her, dreading whatever she was about to say. 

As I approached her, she laid her hand on my arm and she said, “I’m so sorry dear, I have the worst diarrhea and had to run to the bathroom”.

Instantly I felt a weight lift from me and we both giggled at the embarrassment of having to admit such a thing. 

There were things happening, literally, inside Mrs. Rudder that had nothing to do with me. And yet, it completely changed how she responded and reacted to me. Not knowing what was happening inside of her, I immediately took her responses personally and began to doubt myself and our relationship when all along it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her, and her gastrointestinal tract. 

This is a beautiful example of a mantra I like to hold close at hand which is “it’s not about you.”

“It’s not about you,” helps me to remember that everyone is walking through this world with their own set of rules in their head. How their day should go and how people they interact with should act. And when things don’t go according to the rules in their head, people behave badly.

In those moments I have a choice to make. I could take their bad behavior personally and let it ruin my day, week, year or life. Or, I could realize that their bad behavior has more to do with the rule book inside their head and what is going on in their life and very little to do with me. The second choice helps me to stay present so I can help instead of becoming mad or spiraling into a heap of self-doubt and anxiety and being of no use to anyone.

So I choose the second. I choose “it’s not about you because it feels better and helps me to stay in a place where I can respond with compassion.” And it’s not to say that I don’t look at my actions and look for the lessons in those moments to make myself better and grow. I still do that.

But I have unhinged myself from a lot of the self-blame. 

Now please don’t think that I’m asking you to be a verbal punching bag. I most definitely am not and have very little tolerance for verbal abuse. I am, however, asking you to see the curt, rude, abrupt, less than stellar behaviors for what they are. An outburst due to some kind of deviation from the rule book inside their head or a side effect from what is happening in their life. 

So the next time someone shows less than ideal behavior, just remember, they might have diarrhea.

And see if that doesn’t make you feel a bit better about your day. 

This is important work we do. 

You got this. 

The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the position of the DrAndyRoark.com editorial team.

Breakup Letter to My Student Loan Debt

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Dear Debt,

It’s finally come to this. After years of struggling with you. Waiting for you to change. Feeling dragged down by you. Feeling ashamed of how big and scary you are. I just can’t do it anymore. I know now that I can’t keep hoping you will change. You will never change as long as I can’t even look at you.

And so, we need to breakup.

I’m tired of keeping you in the closet. Tired of pretending you don’t exist. I can’t keep ignoring you or giving you the silent treatment. Just the thought of you stresses me out and gives me stomach cramps. No more. No more.

I refuse to be your prisoner anymore. I refuse to feel ashamed of you any longer. I’m sure you could sense this breakup coming. After all, we go way back.  And rather than a breakup I’m going to reframe all this and call it, a breakthrough. Because in order for this breakup to be healthy I have to get to a different place with you. I need to leave this shame behind and embrace you for the value that you have given me.

So thank you.

Thank you for all that you have given me. With your help, I was able to become a skilled and capable veterinarian that saves lives. Because of you Maggie, Mako, Bentley, Abby, Bella, and Harley (to name a few) are all alive and happy and healthy. Because of you, there have been more kisses, more tummy rubs, more belly laughs, and more smiles in this world. Because of you, I have been able to do this. To save lives. To perpetuate the purest of unconditional love that is shared between human and animal. You helped me do that. And for that, I am so grateful.

And though you may be big, no longer will I let the tiny legs of shame creep into my chest when I think of you. I will face you with my head held high and plan for your demise.  And please, don’t feel like I never loved you. Because you are the purveyor of love. And that is nothing to be ashamed of.

Love,

The Purposeful Vet

The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the position of the DrAndyRoark.com editorial team.

The Growing Pains of Setting Boundaries in Veterinary Medicine

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I’m sitting in the car and crying outside of my daughter’s school. I’ve just left work and made my way to her school for her annual talent show. We are doing an aerial yoga routine together that we have been practicing for 2 weeks. I know that she’s inside nervously waiting for me and I’m trying to get a grip on myself before I go in. I don’t want her to see that I’m a mess and that I’ve been crying because there’s no way I can explain to her why I’m upset that won’t make me seem like the worst parent ever.

Let me explain; Buster is making his way to the hospital. He’s in pain and his mom is ready to let him go. Buster who I have been taking care of for the last 10 years. Buster who I’ve seen through countless ear infections, 2 sarcoma removal surgeries, chemo, radiation, heart disease, periodontal disease, and now a hemangiosarcoma that showed up on his leg overnight. I love Buster and I love his momma who is a sweet, dedicated and understanding lady. It took everything in me to say no, I can’t stay to euthanize him, the ER doctor will have to do it. And now it hurts. I’m in, what can only be described as heartache and I feel terrible. Not only that, but I feel terrible that this feels so terrible. My daughter and my husband are my priority and I’ve made myself a deal to act that way and to show them that they ARE my priority. I just didn’t know that it would hurt so much.

I’m having serious growing pains. Growing pains for setting boundaries with myself, my staff and my clients.  

As we start to dive deep into mental wellbeing in the veterinary profession you hear this all the time: “You need to set boundaries,” “you need to leave work at work,” “you need to learn to say NO when you need to.” However, no one ever tells you how and no one ever tells you how painful it is going to be as you begin to do this.

It is hard. And painful. And necessary.

It is necessary because if we do not have boundaries, we will put work first. And we will hurt those we love the most, including ourselves. If we are to live our life by design that means we need to be purposeful about the boundaries we place on our personal time. We need to actually think about what we want to spend our time, energy, and brain power on when we are not at work. We need to think about our loved ones and what they mean to us, and how do we want to spend our time together. So, for me, this means setting the following boundaries:

  • Leave work on time or as close to as possible. Sometimes I need to finish my notes after my “done time” so I put headphones in to block out the noise but also to signal to my staff that I am officially out of office and all calls/questions need to be directed elsewhere.
  • Leave work at work. No phone calls/texts/emails or updates about my patients when I am out of office. No looking up lab work or emailing clients on my off time. Re-route my brain when it starts to think about work when I am at home (be present).
  • Prioritize school/kid events in my work schedule and get there on time!

Once these boundaries are made within you, it is then time to share them with your staff. After all, you have been acting and doing things that go against these boundaries all along and if you don’t share them they will have no idea that they exist. It is time to be open and honest about what your new boundaries are and why they are important to you. Share what they mean to you and to your family. In my case it means that my husband and daughter get to feel like they are important to me, that they matter more than my work and to them this translates to love. For me it means that I get to spend my time with my loved ones without worrying about what is happening at work or with my patients so that I can take care of my mental wellbeing which enables me to continue to give.

Once you have shared your boundaries and the reasons for having them, you can then ask for help and understanding that when you do (and will) say no, it is never because you don’t care. It’s just that you need to take care of yourself and the people at home waiting for you.

This is life changing work we do.

You got this.

The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the position of the DrAndyRoark.com editorial team.

The Difference Between Pleasing and Serving in Veterinary Medicine

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Hello, my name is Ericka and I’m a recovering people-pleaser.

Are you a people pleaser? Have you ever said those words in reference to yourself during an interview? Like most women, I was taught as a child to do as I was told, to act in a way that would please others and to always think of others’ feelings first. What if I told you that all of that leads to a lifetime of people-pleasing that led me to make some of the worst decisions of my life. Not sure if you are a pleaser or a giver? Keep reading and I’ll do my best to explain why pleasing is a path to unhappiness and how I found my way back to giving.

It’s 5:45 p.m. and I’m due to leave at 6 when the call comes in. A client wants to bring her pet in to be euthanized. I agree to wait and keep myself busy until the dog shows up ten minutes later. When the dog comes trotting back to the scale without her owner I’m instantly annoyed. The dog in question is a chubby, happy, friendly yellow lab. She’s eating treats on the scale and does not look like there is anything wrong with her. I am annoyed that I’m staying late to consult on a dog for euthanasia that is far from dying. While euthanasias tend to be fairly curt affairs I can already tell this is not going to be brief.  Not only that but I am about to be asked to do something that I know I will have an ethical issue with. I walk into the room in a cloud of frustration, judgment and annoyance. The only reason I’m walking into that room is to please the client that has come to see me.

It’s 5:45 p.m. and I’m due to leave at 6 when the call comes in. A client wants to bring her pet in to be euthanized. I agree to wait and keep myself busy until the dog shows up ten minutes later. The dog is a thin, geriatric yellow lab that is having serious trouble walking. Her owners are ashen-faced as they carry her into the exam room. I immediately jump into action and rush into the room ready to deliver a humane end to a dog that has clearly seen better days. The only reason I’m walking into that room is to give to the client that has come to see me.

This, my friend, is the difference between pleasing and giving. From the outside (anyone not in your head) the action looks the same. In the end, I got up and walked into the exam room.  But from the inside, the energy and feelings BEHIND the action are COMPLETELY different. Why is this important? It is important because the boomerang emotion to pleasing is resentment. Let that sink in. The boomerang emotion to pleasing is resentment.

That resentment is like a fungus that will take hold and spread to everything near you. The interaction with the first dog ends badly with the owner yelling at you and leaving without paying. Immediately you resent her for being unreasonable. You resent this job for keeping you here late. You resent your manager when you get called into the office to explain the complaint on his desk. You resent yourself for even agreeing to see the dog in the first place. See how that works?

None of this happens with the second dog. You still stay late but the owners were so appreciative and thankful that you felt pretty good about staying to have helped them. There is no resentment here. There is no resentment here because you went into that room to serve and give and the boomerang emotion here is contentment.

So how do you know if you are pleasing or giving? You check in with your emotions. In their book Ask and it is Given Esther Hicks and Abraham explain something called the emotional guidance scale. The left side of the scale (the upward spiral) has all good or positive emotions. The right side (the downward spiral) has all bad or negative emotions. If you are feeling an emotion on the upward spiral then you are giving. If you are feeling an emotion on the downward spiral then you are pleasing. If you have figured out that you are pleasing then you need to look at the situation and your internal chatter and figure out a way to get yourself back on the upward spiral before proceeding.

A good way to do this is to start with dropping the judgment. I know it’s hard to do but judgment is the ladder that leads to the downward spiral. I like to think of it as a ladder to a big spiral slide. Once I get to the top I can look down on all the little people. However, the only way to get off the ladder is to slide down the downward spiral.  No good feelings come from judgment. Without judgment about this person, her motives or her choices a lot of the negative feelings go away. Second, acknowledge your feelings of annoyance and frustration. Realize that they are on the downward spiral and then take a deep breath and let them pass you like a wave. Don’t stay in them and stew. Use them for what they were intended for. To help you realize that you were about to step into a big pile of pleasing. But instead, you listened to your emotions and let them guide you back to the upward spiral where you can get up and walk into that first room with wonder, an open mind, and an open heart that is ready to give.

I know that this is all a tall order but once you know it, you can’t un-know it. And once you live it, you will see how easy it can be. I believe that we all have the power inside of us to do this. Stop pleasing. Start giving. This is life-changing work we do. You got this.

The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the position of the DrAndyRoark.com editorial team.