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My Mistake Killed My Cat

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Last week I experienced the worst day of my career. Actually, it rivals the worst day of my life.

It was my first week back from vacation. My old kitty, Meow Meow, had been in boarding during the holidays. When I got her home, she didn’t seem quite right. She wasn’t eating or drinking very well for a couple of days, and she was weirdly clingy. Although I chalked it up to stress, I decided to bring her into the hospital for blood work and IV fluids.

It was an unusually slow morning. Technicians and assistants were puttering around, chatting. There was only one extensive dental procedure lined up, so I decided to get the ball rolling with Meow Meow. I examined her, drew blood, collected urine, and placed an IV catheter. I asked one of our technicians to prepare a bag of LRS. She hung up the bag, and proceeded to get a cage ready. I looked up to see a full bag of LRS, with fluid sitting in the drip chamber, all ready to go; or so I thought. I grabbed the line which had been draped over the hook, connected it to her port, and opened the crank. Something wasn’t right about the way it dripped; I looked at the technician holding Meow Meow and we realized simultaneously, the line wasn’t primed. She swiftly pulled it out, but it was too late. Meow Meow got a line full of air. She died. Almost instantly. CPR failed. Her tiny little body couldn’t survive that.

I was shattered. I screamed and wailed over her dead body in the treatment room. How could this have happened? How could a bag have been spiked, a drip chamber filled, and the line not primed? Why didn’t I check it? Why MY cat? Why didn’t I get that bag ready myself, as I normally do? Why did I bring her in? I should have left her at home. She probably would have been fine.

My husband and I took her to the crematorium. I cried for a long while, clutching her wee body tightly in my arms. I apologized to her for allowing this mistake to happen, to take her life. I thanked her for all the joy she brought me through the years and hoped that she enjoyed her life with us.

I took a couple of days off work to grieve and lament. I requested the owners of the practice call a meeting to review protocol; to remind the team that careless medical practice is a recipe for disaster; to bring some justice for Meow Meow. I came back to find out that nothing was said or done. Instead, it was swept under the rug, like so many other things have been in the past. Oh, and Meow Meow’s test results were normal too.

Meow Meow died because of sloppy work. I wish I could tell you there was a reason this distraction occurred; that we were super busy and it happened in a moment of chaos. However, there is absolutely no excuse for it.

It is my hope that in sharing this story, I can remind those in the veterinary community that vigilance must always be practiced. Systems must be in place to prevent errors. We must always check each other’s work. We must constantly remind ourselves that this is serious work, as lives are hanging in the balance. We can do better. Some of us need this reminder more than others.

It is my hope that Meow Meow’s story will save a life.

Editor’s Note: This piece broke my heart, as a pet lover and as a colleague. The author’s admonition to learn from her mistakes is a loving testament to her beloved pet. I also hope as a community we know the importance of being gentle with ourselves when mistakes happen, which they, unfortunately, do to us all. 

10 Things You Should Know About Suicide

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We skirt the cage this tiger circles in. We’ve been taught over decades to walk carefully around this topic and its people like they are in the middle of a mandala and the path is eggshells. I remember being told if we talked about it, then people would do it.  We’d best just keep quiet.

It triggered me even then.  If someone is asking you to keep a secret and it’s not about something fun, something is wrong. Alarm bells should be going off.  Why don’t you want to talk about this?  What makes you so uncomfortable?  I suspect that it’s not having all the answers.  I suspect it’s being afraid of saying the wrong things.  I suspect it’s feeling responsible.  I suspect it’s helplessness and a lack of understanding.  I remember thinking, “Why don’t they want to talk about me?”

What can you do?

You can educate yourself about suicide, about symptoms and signs.  You can have open, non-judgmental conversations with your colleagues and your co-workers about suicide.  You can speak up against the pervasive suicide shaming and misinformation in our culture.

There are plenty of myths that are still pervasive in culture in general about suicide and suicidality.  Let’s debunk them here, not for the first time, and not for the last, but as a solid reminder:

Myth: People who try to kill themselves are mentally ill.

Fact: Mental health, well-being, and balance are topics that are just now being brought to the forefront of conversations about suicide in the veterinary profession. While mental illness may predispose an individual to suicidal thoughts, many suicidal individuals are not struggling with mental illness. They may instead be suffering from extreme distress and emotional pain, which are not necessarily signs of mental illness. The stigma surrounding mental health crisis, suicidality, and depression prevents these individuals from speaking out as openly as we need them to and they need to get help.

Myth: People who talk about suicide don’t do it.

Fact: Most everyone who attempts suicide has given verbal clues.  No matter how casually offhand comments are made, they should be taken seriously.

Myth: If a person has made a plan to kill themselves, nothing is going to stop them.

Fact: Suicide isn’t about dying.  It’s about stopping pain. The impulse to end it all, however overpowering, does not last forever.

Myth: Talking about suicide may give someone the idea.

Fact: You don’t give a suicidal person ideas by talking about suicide. Removing the stigma surrounding the subject of suicide and discussing it openly is one of the most helpful things you can do.

Here are a few things I’d like you to know about suicide:

  1. We work in your clinics.  We are your top performers.  We work in industry. We are world-renowned speakers.  You don’t just act shocked when we take our lives, you are shocked because you didn’t notice.
  2. We have gotten help and yes if we were prescribed medication we are probably taking it. This issue isn’t about getting into counseling or getting onto the right drug regimen.  Those things help, but it’s deeper.  Studies of suicide victims have shown that more than half had sought medical help in the six months prior to their deaths.
  3. Suicide isn’t selfish, but it also isn’t about you.
  4. Suicide isn’t cowardly either. It’s literally a choice someone made and it’s not your place to judge.
  5. Committing to suicide is not a brief process, it takes time, thought, research, and a great deal of soul searching. Suicide is for so many people the choice they are making to escape unbearable pain.
  6. There are warning signs. If you see us exhibiting these behaviors, reach out.  Please let us know that you are concerned about us and why.  Ask how you can help.
  7. Don’t know what to say, that’s okay. Dial the crisis line number and sit next to them while they talk.
  8. Don’t minimize how this feels for us. It’s totally okay to say, “I don’t have any idea what you’re going through” or to ask, “how does this feel” and “what does tomorrow look like?” But telling us “we have so much to live for” isn’t the right tact.
  9. We aren’t contagious. When one of us speaks up, it is a bright light in a dark place and it allows for others to speak up. While we’ve made tremendous roads regarding mental health in veterinary medicine, it’s time that the stigma surrounding suicide fall aside.
  10. Suicidality doesn’t have to define who we are and it absolutely does not have to define who we were.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – Suicide prevention telephone hotline funded by the U.S. government. Provides free, 24-hour assistance. 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Crisis Text Hotline – Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the USA, anytime, about any type of crisis.

The views and opinions featured on There, I Said It are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the position of the DrAndyRoark.com editorial team.

There, I Said It: Don’t Just Complain, Do Something

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It’s tempting after a long week, or even on a Monday to huddle around leftover cake in the break room like it’s a life raft, or the bar a block away to talk about how it would be different if you were running things.

I’m going to be honest, not all of your ideas are crap.  Some of them have great potential, but pouring them out to your coworkers over drinks and rants that are borderline rage aren’t going to get you very far.   The veterinary world is really small, the rumors will travel, and you’ll end up with a reputation you didn’t anticipate and won’t serve your goals.

Here’s an idea to do instead: Get involved.  It’s easy, anyone can do it. Check in with your local technician or veterinary associations; they are always looking for people to man booths at job fairs and conferences.  Get to know people.  Moderate at your favorite CE conferences.  Offer to moderate for tracks that interest you.  Bonus, you usually get more than just awesome CE out of moderating: there are usually gifts, moderator meals, and discounted registration.  It’s a tremendous networking opportunity.

Don’t know who to talk to first?  Talk to your local reps who come in to the clinic.  They are your number one fan.  To start off with, most of them were you. Most industry reps came out of practice at one point and they have a tremendous amount of insight to offer.  Find the information booth at the next conference you’re at and ask the how you can help this year or next.

It’s tempting to rant around that stale leftover cake about how technicians don’t have enough respect and how a client asked you what you did today, but the burden of that isn’t on NAVTA.  It’s not on your state organization.  That burden is on you.  It’s on you to educate your clients, to educate your colleagues, and be to involved at every level.

Volunteer at local schools and grab some of that enthusiasm and let it carry your cause.  Speak up and be present.  The vocal minority has a voice, but the voice that brings action with it will always have a better shot at swaying the votes.

Your perspective is unique.  You got into this field along your own path and with your own story.  The path you’ve taken isn’t the same as mine and I’m grateful for that.  You’ve got much experience to teach me. Maybe you had a lot more dentistry training than I did, or that magic moment where you get perfect radiographs. The 15 years of experience I had in emergency and critical care reflects getting those IV catheters in crashing patients every time.

We make a tremendous team when we share our resource and we pool our knowledge. What if we did that? What if we networked and shared our resources instead of hoarding them?  What if you chose to be a mentor, and shared knowledge and resources with someone who would benefit from them?  What if you were the catalyst to the next stage in their career?

Someone is waiting on you to make the move because they believe in you.  They believe you are braver than you think you are. No matter your cause, get out there, be kind, and make a difference.

The views and opinions featured on There, I Said It are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the position of the DrAndyRoark.com editorial team.

How I Really Feel About Yoga Pants and Conferences

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With two of the biggest conferences in the States just around the bend, one DrAndyRoark.com reader has some advice for those who bemoan the sight of attendees in athleisure at veterinary CE events:

Yoga pants. You are spending this lecture focused on what I am wearing and how unprofessional I am.  You have gone so far as to snap a quick, but not unnoticed picture of me, posted it on your Twitter, and put it up in your private veterinary Facebook group.

What would make my yoga pants acceptable to you?  A recent c-section or gallbladder surgery? What about the death of a parent, severe social anxiety, or my luggage being lost at the airport? Stop for a moment. Did you just ask yourself, “What would make this acceptable to me?” Why?  Why do you care what I’m wearing? I showed up at this conference to learn, not to be judged.  Why are you here?

The truth is, what I wear does not impact your learning.  Your scorn does impact my quality of life.  It impacts how other people see me, people who don’t know me.  Come to think of it, you don’t know me.  Your post and your criticism of a stranger does, however, speak volumes about you.  How I dress at a veterinary conference that does not have a dress code does not impact you.

How you treat other people behind their backs and in front of the world does have an impact. It impacts your colleagues and how everyone who sees your posts perceives the veterinary community.  The problem is you, not what I am wearing.

I understand that you feel strongly that how I dress at a veterinary conference is a representation of the profession and you think I’m a poor representative.  You think I’m unprofessional. Would you rather I didn’t come to continuing education? Would the profession be better off without me?  Are you ready to make that call?  Your judgment says yes.

When the next veterinarian or support staff member commits suicide (that will be sometime this week), you will post about how tragic it is. You will quote #NotOneMoreVet.  You will speak of how you want to be part of the solution.  You will be outraged. Nearly as outraged as when I wear yoga pants to a veterinary conference.

Buddha has been credited with saying, “If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind?” Everything else is gossip. Gossip is insidious.  It is ugly and it is pervasive in our community.  It alienates people at best and at worst it drives them from the field entirely, or to suicide. The solution does start with you.  It starts with compassion, focusing on what matters, keeping kindness at your forefront, and my photo off your phone and your social media.

The next time you are at a conference and you catch yourself judging how someone is dressed, here are four things you can do instead:

1.Turn to the person closest to you that you don’t know and introduce yourself.

Turning your focus to purposeful and meaningful engagement with another person will make you feel less lonely and less likely to be critical of others.

2. Walk out to the information booth and ask if they need any additional moderators.

That’s right, turn that energy into something positive.  Hands down, conferences always need extra help and volunteering will make you feel good about yourself.  When you feel good about you, you’re kinder to others.

3. Raise your hand in a lecture and ask a question.

It’s not so easy when the focus is on you, is it? Turning the table to draw attention to yourself and putting yourself out on a limb is a great technique to staying humble.

4. Text or call a therapist.

No, seriously, reach out to a professional.  Let them know you are struggling with criticizing your colleagues and that isn’t the person you want to be.

“It’s not what you look at that matters.  It’s what you see.”  -Henry David Thoreau

The views and opinions featured on There, I Said It are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the position of the DrAndyRoark.com editorial team.

There, I Said It: I’m Your Friend, But Do Your Damn Job

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Working in a veterinary hospital poses some unique situations that may not be experienced in other workplace settings.  You have a freezer you don’t keep food in, random body fluid stains appear on your clothing, and you can go from happy to sad and right back in a matter of minutes.  You also might find yourself in your co-workers’ personal bubble more often than you realize as you work together on patients.  Working in a vet clinic also means you spend an insane amount of time with your work family.  It’s not uncommon that many of your friends also work with you.

As with any workplace, someone will be in a leadership role.  In this case, probably a manager, a veterinarian, or lead technician.  Frankly, anyone can be looked upon as a leader.  These are the people who will help glue the team together as you kick ass and save lives.  But they’re also the people who sometimes have to make hard choices such as who gets the holiday shift, who works with who, and in some cases, who doesn’t work at the hospital any longer.

The complication arises when that leader is also friends with the staff.  The lines between “friend” and “boss” get blurred and feelings may be hurt.  It can be exhausting for those in-between people…the ones that don’t have full authority but are the shoulder to cry on or complain to.  Rest assured, these types of relationships get tested but ultimately the end goal of exemplary patient care and customer service must not be forgotten.

Let’s be real for a second.  Your co-workers are those who will be there for you when you have a reason to celebrate and come to work happy.  They’ll also be there when something is wrong….and more often than not, this is the case which we hear.  My spouse is a jerk.  My kids are being a pain.  The “other vet team member” makes more than me.  My vacation got denied.  The boss is a jerk.  I’m looking for a new job.  The list of complaints can go on, but hey, there’s an animal in the clinic that needs our help.  So when you get to work, check your s**t at the door.  Focus on the patients and save the drama for after-work drinks.

It’s not that I don’t care about you.  Enough distractions though and ultimately our patients or the business might be affected negatively.  It’s not worth it.  If everyone does what they’re supposed to do and how they’re supposed to do it, we can have a more positive and productive work environment.  But you might think I’m a jerk for asking you to do your job properly.  Hey, I’m your friend, but do your damn job.

The views and opinions featured on There, I Said It are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the position of the DrAndyRoark.com editorial team.

TISI: I Had To Leave a Job Because of the Toxic Atmosphere

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Welcome to There, I Said It- a column where we give you, the reader, a chance to get something off your chest in an anonymous fashion. Be it embarrassing, frustrating, or just something you didn’t want to admit out loud, it still might make someone else having a bad day feel just a bit better. If you have a story of your own, unburden yourself at TISI@drandyroark.com.

My most recent job has left me scarred. It was both the best and worst position I have ever had. I was still working on my certification when I took this position and it was a new and exciting type of medicine to practice. When reading back over the notes I noticed a lot of initials of staff that had come and gone and could not understand why anyone would not want to do this work. There were experienced people around me that I was hoping to learn from as I completed my coursework. The clients were mostly very pleasant and grateful for the services they were receiving. I thought I would be there for many years.

I moved to a new state for this unique job opportunity. When I first took the position I noticed that the staff was at best cordial, but often just cold. They were friendly among themselves but not towards me. I tried to shadow and ask questions to learn but would receive either one-word answers to my questions or just be ignored altogether. I felt anxious as if I was doing something wrong (which is possible since I was just learning this type of practice) but no one would tell me what.

I soon had my own patients and began to learn a routine for myself, and over time my schedule was filling up to the point that I was booked from open to close. Some of my clients were complaining that if they didn’t keep appointments scheduled for at least two weeks ahead that they couldn’t get in to see me. To me this is a sign that I was doing something right, but aside from a text once telling me that I was doing a great job, I got no feedback. There was still very little socialization with the staff, not even normal work conversation, and I felt like a leper. Because I was new to the area and did not have any friends, the loneliness at work began to weigh on me.

After work there was the breakdown of the clinic, laundry and floor cleaning and room organization. Often the staff would hurry to do the minimum and then leave with the intention to finish the rest the following morning before the clients came. Once the staff left I could relax, because the energy would change from heavy and negative to just quiet and peaceful. So it became my routine to finish as much of the clinic chores  as I knew how to do (a good hours worth of work after everyone left) and then sit for the next 2 hours doing my notes and looking up the patients for the next day to prepare their treatments. Thus I was working 13-15 hour days routinely.

The staff began to have some light conversation with me about six months after I had been working there, but much of this was used to discuss patients. Every conversation was about something that was wrong or annoying. All this negative talk gave me a constant stomachache. I tried to point out positive things but no one ever had anything nice to say about anyone.

I remember a client who had been with the clinic for years sitting on the floor with her dog one day after we were done. I was cleaning up but eventually, I made my way over to her to see if she needed help. She told me that she was waiting to see the person that she normally worked with because she had decided to euthanize her dog and wanted to say a last goodbye. I sat on the floor with her for about 20 minutes discussing end-of-life issues and euthanasias while she held her baby. Finally, she decided to leave.

Once she left the person she was waiting for came out of the office expressing frustration that she had to “hide” from that client for so long. Her insensitivity towards a longtime client who was wanting to share the last hours of her pet’s life with us was beyond my ability to understand or accept. This was just a minor example of the contempt that the staff seemed to have for the majority of clients and patients.

I finished my coursework and studied for and passed my final, achieving my certification. I was exhausted from the continuous running around all day , the appointments running over, and the draining atmosphere with all the negative and sarcastic conversation. The overall morale in the clinic deteriorated to the point that we reached out to the boss to ask for some encouragement. Instead of the “yea, go team” talk that I expected, the boss expressed anger and frustration at the staff in general.

Instead of having any patience for me or addressing any of the concerns I had about the work situation, I was told that “my therapies were an insult to the other therapists” and that I had been doing a poor job since I had been hired. I asked for specific examples but none could be provided to me. That night my frustration bubbled over and when everyone else left the clinic I stood in the middle of the treatment area and screamed at the top of my lungs. I became certain that if I stayed my health would start to suffer, and so I gave my notice.

I have over a decade of experience as a clinician and yet have never worked so hard to gain approval and be a good employee. This job has left me anxious and insecure. I have been unwilling to even apply for another veterinary job and as a result I am probably going to lose my house. I confess my experience here because I cannot understand how we can have so little care for each other- how employers can have so little care for the employees who are busting their butts making money for them and instead of building the team up, are very content to try to tear them down.

I have experienced this before, but never to the degree that I did in this position. Yes, there are employees who have problems. Yes, there are employees who need a lot of hand-holding. But these are people! How can we claim to love animals so much and be so hurtful to each other? While fear or intimidation can be great motivators, they will not create a sustainable staff and it certainly creates a horrible work environment. I urge everyone to look at the energy that is created in the workplace and see if it is something that you would be proud of. Why should an emotionally abusive work environment be part of the dark side of veterinary medicine?

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The views and opinions featured on There, I Said It are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the position of the DrAndyRoark.com editorial team.