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Happiness Is Looking Forward To Carrot Cake

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My friend Dr. Bruce Francke turned 57 last week. His birthday also happened to fall on his 30 year anniversary working at Bay Animal Hospital (not counting the three years he worked in the kennel in high school).

Bruce’s expectations for the day were pretty low. With his practice down three doctors in recent months, to protest his staff’s wellbeing, he and his partner have been working open to close Monday-Friday for three months now. His birthday would be no exception. 

When Bruce and I were talking about his day, he paused and explained that his wife had made him carrot cake from scratch, and that was one thing he was really excited about. It was “the thing he was looking forward to all day.”

At the end of the day, Bruce’s team told him the IT company needed to have yet another emergency meeting about the new server that had been recently installed in the practice. Bruce decided to work in his office while he waited for the IT people to arrive. 

Well, the IT company never showed up. 

Instead, Bruce’s friends and family packed the waiting room for a surprise celebration. When he finally emerged from his office, he was cheered, loved, and surprised with a video montage of people who couldn’t be there sending well-wishes.

I’ve been thinking about Bruce for the last few days. It feels so good to see someone who cares so much and tries so hard be told what they mean to others. As someone who desperately wants to help create a great workplace for my staff, I can’t imagine a more meaningful surprise.

But as I reflect, you know what I have thought the most about? The carrot cake.

Bruce is an amazing person. A joy to be around. He is someone I have gone to for life advice and I listen to whenever he has thoughts to share. Bruce has the most wonderful and healthy perspective on what really matters in this world. It’s one of the reasons I respect him so much.

I think Bruce’s mention of carrot cake highlights two of the greatest keys to living a rich life: 

  1. being happy with low expectations, and 
  2. always having something to look forward to. 

Too often do we fixate on our problems. We ruminate on why these things are happening to us. We get bogged down by the stresses of the moment and look ahead only to see what obstacles are coming our way.

But what if instead of fixating on our challenges we did what Bruce does? 

What if we accepted that our day would be full of hard work but there was something simple and good ahead of us to look forward to? What if we fixated on that? Would we be happier? I suspect the answer is yes. And when the day comes that someone drops a surprise party on us… holy moly! Can you imagine the joy?

I can.

Resolve To Be Bored More Often

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What’s your #1 resolution for the new year? Mine is to be bored more often.

It recently dawned on me that I live my life in a state of perpetual distraction. If I’m not actively engaged with something, I listen to podcasts or audiobooks on my headphones or scroll on my phone in search of something interesting and engaging.

So it made me think, what do we miss when we fill our lives with distractions too often?

The downside of the distraction state

Podcasts, audiobooks, and articles can generally be considered “mental health food.” That’s how I’ve always justified immediately picking up my phone and being “plugged in” whenever I do the dishes, walk the dog, or wait for my daughter to finish dance class.

The downside is that distraction like this has two costs. 

The first is the energy cost. The energy cost is the steady mental drain that comes from processing information; even information we are excited about. Our brain only has so much processing power in a day. We should be at least a little mindful about how we spend it.

The second cost is the opportunity cost. This is the cost of not doing things because we are too distracted to recognize the opportunity.

Waking up to my distraction state

Late last year, I got tapped for jury duty. First thing in the morning, the bailiff took all of our phones away and didn’t give them back until we went home at the end of the day. I found myself, along with a dozen other jurors, sitting around a table day-after-day with nothing to do. Unable to grab my phone to read an online newspaper, I was bored. The situation pushed me to fill my time by getting to know the people I was with. 

I talked to the other jurors about the case, of course, and I also talked to them during the breaks. We talked about the case, and during breaks, we shared stories about our hobbies and families. Picture a strange version of that 80s movie The Breakfast Club. We all came from very different places, but we found that we had a lot in common and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. 

I couldn’t help but reflect on how that discovery happens rarely in our modern, plugged-in world. And my resolution to unplug and be more bored more often was born.

Unplugging to engage more in the moment

Since taking up this resolution, instead of listening to, reading or watching media, the most wonderful things have happened. Instead of checking my email, I’ve found myself laughing with my technicians. Rather than tuning into another podcast or watching Netflix, I spend time talking with my wife and playing board games with my kids. And I am getting mental rest breaks during quiet walks with my dog… at least until the neighbors see me without my headphones and come out to say hello.

The point here is not that I am now distracting myself in different ways than before (because I totally recognize this. I hate being bored). The point is that by skipping the easiest, flashiest, most common solutions to boredom, I’m falling back to more rich, restful, and fulfilling ways of occupying my free time.

If you’re missing a resolution for 2023, maybe it’s not too late. Maybe you can be bored more often. Maybe if you’re bored and I’m bored, we’ll bump into each other and actually talk about it. Wouldn’t that be lovely?

You Can Choose To Be Happy…Or Not

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For years, I would roll into the holiday season with joint goals of keeping up my normal work schedule and also celebrating the season doing the little rituals that I love. Invariably, I would find myself dealing with issues, events and people I had not factored into my plans.

Here’s the story of how I learned that you can either choose to be happy, or not.

Shedding the frustrations of holiday chaos

The holiday season arrives. Suddenly, there are elementary school events to attend, work parties for my wife where I don’t know anyone, and holiday shopping crowds that need to be battled in order to meet gifting obligations. My calendar begins to feel more chaotic than ever. And I become frustrated. 

I grit my teeth at the check out lines, argue with my wife about what school pageants really need to be witnessed in person, and drag my feet to get ready for holiday gatherings that I know I’m going to end up attending anyway. When it’s all over, everyone is irritated with me and I still end up attending the pageants and parties and fulfilling all the obligations.

Then, one day, it occurs to me just how foolish this approach is. 

So I sit down and write a note on my calendar for December 1st of the following year. It reads, “You are going to attend events and deal with problems this month. You are going to be invited to things you don’t know about and you will be expected to attend. You are going to have to battle crowds and wait in lines. Plan on it happening, make time for it and decide to be happy.”

The next year is the best holiday season of my adult life.

Skip the rage, choose to overcome

In life you can choose to rage against a challenge and then overcome it or to skip the rage and simply overcome it. Holidays or not, this is something I’m trying hard to remember.

You’re going to have to talk to the upset pet owner, sort out the team drama, figure out the staff schedule, run the inventory audit, do your taxes, make a dish for the potluck, conduct performance evaluations, and do all the other things you might want to avoid. Exhausted already? Me too.

You can decide to accept these things are going to happen, make room for them in your day, and try to find the fun in it…or not. Either way, you’re still going to do them.

Final thought

Just for today, try not being frustrated. Try to recognize what is going to be required of you and do it with a smile on your face. See what happens. See if your day doesn’t feel brighter. I bet it will.

“Remember When?” The Gift of Reflection

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The holiday season can fill us with warmth. And I’m not just referring to the warmth of the chili I enjoyed this week at a neighborhood holiday chili party. The holidays are a time to celebrate with friends and family. It’s also a time of reflection… a very meaningful gift we can each give ourselves.

Meaningful Moments At The Neighborhood Holiday Party

Neighborhood holiday gatherings always remind me that I’m not living on an island. It turns out that the people around me know who I am. They enjoy seeing me walk my goofy dog, Skipper, past their houses every morning. 

My neighbors feel safe(r) knowing there is a veterinarian in their neighborhood just in case anything were to happen to their furry family members. Though, in reality, I’ve lived in this neighborhood for almost 10 years now, and have only had one neighbor swing by with a sick pet. I have however given a number of consultations while holding a leash and a plastic bag full of poo. Still, the knowledge that I’m here makes them happy, and that makes me happy on a deep level.

One of my favorite parts of any neighborhood get-together is the “remember when” portion of the event. At the recent holiday chili party, “remember when” stories were told about long-grown children, favorite pets, lost hearing aids, and a life-size cutout of former president Ronald Regan. I laughed until my sides hurt, and then I felt like I had participated in something meaningful.

The Importance Of “Remember When”

“Remembering when” is one of the most important parts of the holiday season. Taking the time to reflect on the journey that is our lives gives us a perspective that we wouldn’t otherwise get. As humans, we seem to be hard-wired to worry about the future and toil in the present. But not to look back and appreciate what we have seen, done, and learned. That’s a real shame.

Looking back is actually a key way in which we can move forward.

Reflection allows us to hold the trophy for our successes, acknowledge our strengths, turn experiences into understanding, and find areas for growth.

Take The Time To Reflect

This holiday season, we should all take a few minutes to reflect on the year – and life in general. Think about all the accomplishments, what has brought joy, and the obstacles we’ve overcome. It’s a gift we can give ourselves, but can easily give to others.

Try it at the clinic with the “remember when” game. Simply start by going first and watch people start to smile and draw together. That’s what the holidays are all about.

Birthday Reflections: Our Only Constant Is Change

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My friend was recently mortified when she took her young son to see his grandparents for Thanksgiving. On arrival, my friend released her little boy from his carseat, allowing him to sprint to his grandmother’s waiting arms. As he reached her, the boy said excitedly, “Grandmother! You’ve gotten older!”

The little boy meant this as the highest compliment because nothing makes him happier than when people tell him he looks older. I asked my friend how her mother received the compliment and she said “Exactly as it was intended! She showed him how the skin under her arms jiggles now when she flaps her arms.”

Another Birthday, Another Lesson-Learned

Getting older is not for the faint of heart. Last week I turned 46 and it dawned on me that 50 is hurtling toward me. My right foot now hurts when I run. I have to peek out of the bottom of my glasses to look at my cell phone. And last week I even secretly took a photo of a medicine bottle at the clinic just so I could zoom in and read part of the label. 

But you know what? I’m pretty happy. 

Life got a lot easier for me when I recognized that nothing in this world is constant except change. My friends, my kids, my career, my body… they’re all in a state of flux, and they always will be.

Accept Change And Find Happiness

What if we could skip the pain that comes with fighting against the inconvenience of change? Does that open us up to find joy in the here and now? As I think more about it, I feel that the key to smiling and finding happiness as time passes is to have realistic expectations. 

Expectations that things won’t always be what they once were or how we imagined them. Easier said than done. But not impossible. Setting goals that give us space to embrace change and where we are in life can be helpful.

My goal for when I turn 50 is to truly be at home in the skin of a 50 year-old person. It’s to enjoy the perks of experience, without raging against loss of physical youth. It’s to be fully engaged with my friends and family as they are, and not how they were 10 or 20 or 30 years ago. It’s to pick up new hobbies and interests, and not feel guilty as I put down some of those I enjoyed in the past.

As I enter my 46th trip around the sun, I hope to enjoy the ride as it is. Not as what it once was or how I have imagined it. Because in the end, time will march on and our only options are to find happiness in what comes our way or to not.

My Open Mic Night: Discovering Growth in the Uncomfortable

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When was the last time you did something that scared you? For me, it was this past weekend.

Six weeks ago, I signed up for a standup comedy class. While I have done improv comedy for about 10 years now, I’ve never done standup. I thought this class would be an opportunity to pick up some new skills and meet some interesting people. It turns out, standup is not like improv at all. 

Standup is more like telling scripted stories while juggling. During a routine, you are attempting to communicate a narrative while inserting punchlines in about every 30 seconds. It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be. 

Trying something new can be challenging and uncomfortable. But there is a lot that can be gained when you push outside of your comfort zone.

The Open Mic

As part of the standup class, I have to go to and participate in “Open Mics.” An Open Mic is where people are given a set amount of time to perform their standup routines. As someone who talks for a living, I didn’t think this would be all that intimidating. But, it absolutely was. 

Heading into my Open Mic night, I didn’t think my jokes were as funny as they could be. I was certain I could improve my set if I only had more time to work on it. And the fact that people paid to hear comedians tell jokes (not some vet telling stories about a pomeranian with one eye) weighed heavy on my mind. It was genuinely nerve-wracking.

I’d like to tell you that the standup set went fantastic… but it didn’t. It went fine. I got some laughs and at least one awkward silence after a joke that would have killed with cattle vets. But that’s life, isn’t it? We don’t try new things and find immediate perfection.

As much as I dislike being uncomfortable, I am absolutely certain that being in that state is a good thing.

Finding Growth in the Uncomfortable

It is very easy to live within our comfort zone. To simply be “good enough,” and to rely on what we know and have done before to make our way in this world. The problem is that in comfort, there is no growth. 

One of my favorite quotes is from French surgeon and biologist, Alexis Carrel, who was awarded the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine in 1912:

“Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.” 

I think this is completely true. We try new things, get mixed results, and then try again. That’s how we grow and get better. That’s how we keep life interesting.
Over the years, there have been a number of studies, including research on the concept of “toughening” conducted by Mark Seery, a psychologist at the University of Buffalo, that found that dealing with adversity can increase our tolerance for it and improve our perspective on it.

Final Thought

What was the last scary thing you did? When did you last try something new that made you nervous? Is it time to pick up a new challenge? Open yourself up to the uncomfortable for the sake of growth, self-improvement, and the chance to experience a piece of the world that has thus far been foreign to you. Yes, it’s going to be scary… and yes, it will be totally worth it.