Jamie Holms, RVT joins the podcast to interview Andy about one of his recent articles. The struggle to take ownership of what we can while knowing when to accept things that are out of our control is never easy. In this episode, Jamie and Andy talk through where those distinctions become challenging in veterinary medicine and what to do when its hard to tell the difference.
You can also listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music, Soundcloud, YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts!
LINKS
Article – Back to Reality:
https://todaysveterinarybusiness.com/back-to-reality-discharge-notes-0223/
Dr. Andy Roark Exam Room Communication Tool Box Team Training Course: https://drandyroark.com/on-demand-staff-training/
Dr. Andy Roark Charming the Angry Client Team Training Course: https://drandyroark.com/charming-the-angry-client/
Dr. Andy Roark Swag: drandyroark.com/shop
All Links: linktr.ee/DrAndyRoark
ABOUT OUR GUEST
Jamie Holms RVT is a new chicken mom and the Administrative Manager for Dr. Andy Roark, Uncharted Veterinary Conferences. Jamie is passionate about helping the people who are helping pets and is a firm believer that the future of the veterinary profession is bright. Jamie is obsessed with baby goats, axolotls, hedgehogs, tea, plants (especially hoyas), kindle books, food, and sleep – not necessarily in that order.
Fun Fact: Jamie’s a Slytherin
EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
Dr. Andy Roark:
Welcome, everybody, to the Cone of Shame Veterinary Podcast. I am your host, Dr. Andy Roark.
Guys, I have my dear friend, the one and only Jamie Holmes on the podcast today. We’ve done a couple episodes together. She is a reader and a deep thinker, and every now and then, when I write some things that speak to her and she wants to unpack them some more, she’ll reach out and be like, “Hey, how about I interview you on the podcast?” And that’s what happened today.
Anyway, we’re talking about one of my recent articles called Back to Reality. It is all about trying to figure out what to accept because it’s out of our control and what to not accept, because we do have more influence than we think. How do you parse those things apart? And how do you know when to lean in, and how do you know when to lean back? That’s what we talk about.
Man, I love these conversations. I love talking to Jamie. I hope it’ll be an interesting conversation for you guys. I always love thinking about these things and trying to figure out, when the chaos comes, how do I best use my emotional energy? And that’s really what we get into. Anyway, guys, I hope you enjoy it. Let’s get into this episode.
Kelsey Beth Carpenter:
(Singing) This is your show. We’re glad you’re here. We want to help you in your veterinary career. Welcome to the Cone of Shame with Dr. Andy Roark.
Dr. Andy Roark:
Welcome to the podcast, Jamie Holms. How are you?
Jamie Holms:
I’m really good, Andy. I’m so excited to be here and maybe creep you out a little bit about how I backstock on your articles to see if they still hold up.
Dr. Andy Roark:
Oh, no. Oh, no. For those who don’t know you, you are an RVT. You are employee number one.
Jamie Holms:
I am.
Dr. Andy Roark:
At drandyroark.com.
Jamie Holms:
That is right.
Dr. Andy Roark:
And the Uncharted Veterinary Conference. You were.
Jamie Holms:
That’s right. We don’t even count you.
Dr. Andy Roark:
No, I’m not an employee. I have yet to set up payroll for myself.
Jamie Holms:
It’s true.
Dr. Andy Roark:
It is true.
Jamie Holms:
Sometimes, I worry that we don’t pay you and you’re going to leave.
Dr. Andy Roark:
Yeah, no, I just hang around. This is a hobby. As soon as I get paid, then, it won’t be … It’ll work, then.
Jamie Holms:
It won’t be fun anymore.
Dr. Andy Roark:
It’ll be work then. Yeah, then, it’ll be work. So yeah, no, no, no. And we’ve been around, been together a long time, Jamie Holmes.
Jamie Holms:
We have.
Dr. Andy Roark:
The last time you were on the podcast was episode 100 and-
Jamie Holms:
Whoa.
Dr. Andy Roark:
Yeah, it was episode 100, and it was the stories we tell ourselves matter.
Jamie Holms:
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Dr. Andy Roark:
And that’s what we were talking about. And I looked back at it and I was like, “Oh.” Anyway, it’s been a minute, but as you say, you do to backstock the articles that I write.
Jamie Holms:
I do.
Dr. Andy Roark:
And you I, we discuss these things and get into what does this mean, and philosophically, what is going on in our profession. Anyway, I thought we were probably due for one of those and you said, “I got something I would like to talk to you about,” so I thought I would just bring you on and open it up and let’s talk about what’s on your mind.
Jamie Holms:
That’s perfect. I was reading the article that you wrote, Back to Reality, for Today’s Veterinary Business, and there are some things in there that really hit me. And I was talking to my dad about them, because we’ve been talking a lot about agency recently, and that’s what this is about. One of the things that you said that your brother said to you, and I also didn’t like it, is, you have zero power in this situation.
Dr. Andy Roark:
Oh, yeah. I had to go look at this article, to be honest. You were like, “I’m going to talk to your Back to Reality article.” And I’m like, “I’ve no idea what I said in that article.”
Jamie Holms:
Yeah. For sure.
Dr. Andy Roark:
It’s a little bit of a deep cut and I’ll link it in the show notes, for sure. But it’s funny, I went and looked and I was like, “Oh, I remember this.” It was when I got called for jury duty and I had to go, and I was really busy. We were trying to get one of our conferences off the ground and it was not at a convenient time at all. And I got the jury summons and I’m like, “Oh, man, you got to be kidding me.”
So I reached out to my brother who’s a lawyer, and I was like, “What can I do to not have to do this?” And he was like, “You have zero power here. Zero power.” He was like, “Just go and be nice and hope for the best, but you have zero control.”
And I did not want to hear that. I wanted to believe that I threw charisma or willpower or that through financial strengths, I’m like, “Who do I write a check to get this week of my life back?” And he’s like, “It does not work that way. That’s not going to happen. You have no power.” And it struck me because of how rarely someone says to our face, “You have no control over what’s happening right now.” But it hit me pretty hard and I had to sit with that, and I panicked just to be like, “I have no agency at all here.”
Jamie Holms:
That’s such an extremely difficult place to be. And I think we find ourselves in that place, in veterinary medicine, so often, whether it’s the volume of calls that are coming into the front desk, whether it’s that the phones stopped ringing because the internet is out and our phones are linked to the internet and people can’t get through, those kinds of things.
And I specifically really related to the part where you talked about time taking a toll on your body and you not having any control over that. As you know, I lost both of my knees during COVID, we have mourned for them, and I find myself really comparing myself to who I was three years ago and what I could do three years ago.
And I find myself getting really stuck in those places and not doing everything that I can because I’m so focused on what I can’t do. And I think that we get into that head space in vet med and in our practices when we’re faced with these, whether it’s just one emergency after another, whatever it might be, we really get stuck in those spaces. So I wanted to talk to you about some of the things that you do to put yourself in the right head space and the day-to-day. How do you talk to yourself to practice this? Because it’s a muscle, right? You’re having to flex this muscle.
Dr. Andy Roark:
Okay. I don’t know that I’m the best person to talk about this, Jamie, because it is a bad … I’ll be honest. You write the book you need to read. I think that I’ve written numerous iterations of this article in different ways with different stories because I continue to battle it.
It’s funny you talk about losing your knees. I used to run a lot. I used to love it, and I like being outside and I like having this thing, I run with my dog and stuff like that. And man, I started, when I was probably 35 or so, I got my first bout of plantar fasciitis and my feet hurt and I had to stop running for a while. And then, I got it again later on and I’ve just had a number of bounce of it.
I can’t be a runner anymore like I used to be where I’m like, “I’m going to go run seven miles.” That used to be, it was my stress outlet. I have found other things that I enjoy just as much and that I get the same mental health benefits and community benefits out of. And at the same time, when I see these people out, it’s 70 degrees outside, gorgeous spring day, and there’s some guy in his little shorts running. You know what I mean?
Jamie Holms:
Yes.
Dr. Andy Roark:
Just running through, I’ll be at the park with my kids and he’s running past the waterfall and just the breeze, and he’s got long hair and a beard. He’s who I never was, but always thought, “Man, if I could grow a beard and run shirtless like the wind, I would be somebody.”
Jamie Holms:
You were that guy.
Dr. Andy Roark:
I would be that guy. But I was never that guy. But anyway, when I see that guy today, it just bugs the hell out of me because I can’t do that. I can’t. I can do it for a little bit, and then my feet are going to explode, and then I’m going to be miserable and it’s not worth it.
So even though there are alternatives that I have found, I work out, I row, I walk, I do all these things that are great. Actually, I hike a lot, do all these things. But boy, when I see that and I go, “I can’t do that,” that really, it still bothers me.
I’ve gotten a lot better at it. I’ve gotten a lot better at it, but it has always been a battle. Well, I’ll take that back. It has gotten to be a battle since I hit 40, six years ago. Sure. Because I was never 23, like, boy, I remember back when I could do those things.
Jamie Holms:
Yes, true.
Dr. Andy Roark:
That’s definitely a later in life experience.
Jamie Holms:
That’s one of the things that I love about you is, you always think that you’re not the right person to talk about something because you’re in the battle, but I can relate to this, so I know our listeners can relate to this.
Let’s backtrack just a little bit and let’s go smaller because you like to dig in.
Dr. Andy Roark:
Okay.
Jamie Holms:
You talk about the importance of differentiating between what we control and what we can’t in this article. I struggle with this sometimes, as you know, where I think I can control things that I can’t. So how do you suggest that we find this distinction, especially in practice?
Dr. Andy Roark:
Yeah. I think one of the greatest challenges in life is figuring out how to differentiate where we have control and where we don’t, I really think. And I think that as you go on in your life, you get better at making that distinction, but I think most of us … It’s this weird pendulum. It’s this yin and the yang.
Because I really do believe, as far as being successful in life and being happy in life, the more that you believe you do have control over your circumstances, I think the happier you’re going to be, in most cases. I think people who say, “Yeah, you know what? I’m going to put a smile on my face. I am going to manifest a good day. I am going to go out and I am going to make the world a better place, and I am going to make other people’s days better,” I think that that is a healthy, really positive, really good place to come from. Most of the most successful people I know, they believe that they can make things happen.
It’s like the professional athletes, the legends, they always wanted to have the ball at the end of the game because they believed that they could make the game change, that they could have this impact. So I do think that we can have that. I think that’s important. But I think the paradox in life is, it’s also, it has its own challenges of taking this ownership, because then, you end up holding yourself accountable for things that you’re not accountable to.
I think that there’s a lot of things in life that are set up paradoxically where the best case scenario is also an uncomfortable scenario, and the more comfortable you try to become, the less comfortable you’re going to be in the long term. So I think taking ownership of our position is that way where it’s like, man, in the short term term, it would be really nice for me to go, “I cannot have power here, so I’m just going to step back and let go.” And over the course of your life, the more you say, “You know what? What agency do I have here? And how do I use that agency?” And insisting that I do have agency.
One of the phrases I heard from a mentor years ago, way back at the beginning of my career, I was working at this big practice and I really did not have any power. I was one of, basically, 30 doctors that were there. And it was a good place, but it was still, everybody chafes, right? And there’s always something that you don’t like. And I forget what the stupid thing was that I didn’t like, but I felt like, I don’t have any agency here because there’s so many voices, there’s so many people here.
So I said to one of my mentors, I was like, “I don’t have any power here.” And he said, “Could you make life worse for the people around you?” And I was like, “Oh, yeah, of course I absolutely could make their life worse, no doubt.” And he was like, “Then, great. Then, you could clearly make their life better. If you could make it worse, you could make it better.” And I was like, “Yeah.” And he was like, “Then, you have agency.”
And that whole idea of, could I make things worse? If the answer is yes, that means I have some agency. And I can use that agency to do good, but for some reason, I don’t know, that just clicked with me as far as coming to believe that I do have this power. Anyway. That’s where I started off with starting to wrestle with what power do we have.
Jamie Holms:
I love that. That’s something that I’m going to use in my life and when I am struggling and be like, “Can I make this situation worse? Why, yes, I can.”
Dr. Andy Roark:
Why, yes, I can. That means I could also-
Jamie Holms:
Of course, I can. Is this a challenge? Sold.
Dr. Andy Roark:
That means I could also make it … Yeah. Exactly. I don’t know why I rise to that, but I’m like, “Oh, buddy, I can get real creative right now. How do make this worse?” I’m like, “I will come up with some weird stuff you have not seen. I will make this worse in ways people have not anticipated.” But why am I not so creative in coming up with ways to make it better? I don’t know, but once I do the “How do I make it worse?” Exercise, it stretches my brain out, like, oh, I do have power here. And then, I can find a positive way, but that was super simple, but that just having it shown to me that way, for whatever reason, it just resonated with me. And so I’m like, “Oh, I do have agency.”
And then, on the flip side, there was another piece of advice I heard much later in my career that rocked me about how little control we have. And the saying is, “There’s three things we don’t control: the past, the future and other people.” And I go, “Oh, man, it seems paradoxical that I can convince myself I do have agency, I do have control, also, not over the past, the future, of other people.”
But I think that it’s this narrowing, right? It’s this narrowing of focus, of understanding where we don’t have control, and then, figuring out the pressure points where we can put our finger and push and make a real difference. And if you’re familiar with pressure points, you know that applying a bit of pressure at a specific area on the human body can cause great pain, it can have great impact on that person. It’s the same thing of, boy, I can only push on these little areas, but if I push on the right area in the right way, I can have a huge impact.
Going back to the jury duty thing, and when you and I were talking about it, he was like, “You have no power in this situation.” And he was right in that I have no power over whether or not I’m put on this jury, over what hours I’m going to be there, over how long these trials are going to go, over whether if I get picked for a jury, 11 people are going to agree, or we’re going to sit there for two days and not agree. I don’t have any power over any of that, but I do have power over how I feel about it and how I behave. And do I go in and have a good attitude about it? Or do I go in and just make myself miserable?
Because one way or another, I’m going to do it. It’s that, when it snows, you got two options. You can be miserable that it snowed, or you’d be happy that it snowed. But either way, you’re still dealing with the snow. I think that there’s a lot of truth to that. I don’t know, does that feel as far as threading that needle?
Jamie Holms:
Man, I love it. It feels so simple to say, “This is how you start getting agency back.” Because I think that’s one of the things that I struggle with is, so many times I hear, “You don’t have control over the situation. You only control how you react to it.” And very often, reaction is a thing that just happens inside of me and I want to respond, and I don’t know how to bridge that gap between reaction and response. And the only thing I know to do is to put distance, space between the thing. And we don’t always have that option, especially at work, and in practice. The phones are ringing, people are walking through the door and you’ve just got to do this. And what a quick thing, just like breathing exercises, is to ask yourself, “Can I make this worse? Great. How can I make it better?” And that’s just so simple.
Dr. Andy Roark:
Hey, guys, I’m going to duck in real quick here and just let you know, I am looking for dynamic duos. I am looking for practice managers and practice owners that love working together, that want to work together more effectively, that want to develop ways of working, that want to develop strategies where they compliment each other. And the reason I’m looking for those people is because we, at Uncharted Veterinary Conference, where I work, have put together a conference for dynamic duos.
We have our Practice Leader Summit. It is in Greenville, South Carolina. It is December 7th through the 9th. This is open only to practice owners and practice managers. Ideally, I’d love for those guys to come together and we are going to have some work separately time and they’re going to have some work together time because, man, that head down, come in together, work on our practice together time is so rare and so valuable.
Anyway. I love it when people come in pairs, but if you’re a practice owner and you say, “I don’t have a practice manager,” or you’re a practice manager and you’re like, “Hey, the practice owner’s not going to be up for it,” or, “I don’t have a practice owner,” you are welcome to come along and you’re going to work with other practice managers and you are going to learn a ton.
Again, Practice Leader Summit, Greenville, South Carolina, December 7th through the 9th. It is a leadership summit. There’s going to be a lot of interactivity, a lot of active work on your practice. I would love to see you there. I’ll put a link to register in the show notes. Guys, let’s get back into this episode.
Well, going to the breathing exercises, you say that, and I’m not a super woo-woo guy, but there is definitely some pieces of woo-woo that I’m like, “It kind of works.” There’s a reason that meditation has been around for 5,000 years.
Jamie Holms:
For sure.
Dr. Andy Roark:
It does work. But the way I think about that stuff is, and I think you’re right, I think one of the real skills that we can acquire, and some people are wired this way where it’s easier for them. They’re naturally geared this way. Other people, it’s a much bigger lift. But I love how you said that, when something happens that’s out of my control, how do I create that space to get my head around it and be like, “I don’t control this, but I got to deal with it, but my control is very limited here.” How do I create that space so I can get a clearer look at it and not feel steamrolled about it, not feel emotional about it, things like that.
I really do think that that is a skill that we can build. And I do think everybody’s got to find their thing. I’ve heard a million people be like, “This is what you do,” and I’m like, “That doesn’t work for me.” And I found other things, I go, “This works,” and I explain it to people and they just, the blank look on their face.
Jamie Holms:
For sure.
Dr. Andy Roark:
But the ability to create space, as you said, I think that is Jedi skill level. It’s the ability, when the phones are ringing, and there’s a client in the room who is angry and you’re going to have to deal with it, and the stupid CBC machine is just spitting out errors for reasons that make no sense at all, can you create some space and say, “What do I control here? And how do I exert my influence in the most productive way possible?” And man, that is really, that’s enlightenment. That is the zen master of vet medicine is, can you do that?
Unfortunately, there’s a lot of tools that help us get space if we have time if we’ve got something that’s nagging at us. I talk, sometimes, I try to be open about this, but I talk about when my wife got cancer last year and boy, I did a lot of walking. I did a lot of gardening. I did a lot of rowing on the rowing machine. I did a lot of stuff that I know helps me. I did a lot of painting. These things that I have found that are like, “Oh, I can get some space here.” This is how I calm things down and get some space and some perspective.
But you have to have a different set of tools for in the moment. For a long time, I did not have those in the moment tools. I still, like everybody, wrestle with them, depending on what’s going on. I got pretty good at those longer term space getters. I was good at going out and finding other things to do and exercise and stress management and stuff like that. But man, those in the moment things, they took a lot of time. I still work on it. I’ve come a long way with getting centered. Some mindfulness stuff, some deep breaths, some … I focus on my knuckles. I don’t know why. I focus on my knuckles.
There’s this basketball coach, this legendary basketball coach, his name, Phil Jackson. And he won 11 NBA titles. He coached Michael Jordan and the Bulls, he coached Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O’Neal with the Lakers, and he’s won like 11 NBA titles. And he’s also a practicing Buddhist, which I think is interesting. He’s an interesting guy. Anyway. I heard him talking one time and he was telling this story about the year 2000’s basketball season.
So he’s coaching in the year 2000. And that’s when, I don’t know if you heard, there was a pandemic. So there was a pandemic and everything shut down. But the NBA was like, “No, we are making money because that’s what we do. We’ve got this pandemic thing.” So they took the entire league and put them in a hotel, basically. Imagine a Disney property, and there’s a basketball court at this place.
Jamie Holms:
What could go wrong?
Dr. Andy Roark:
What could go wrong? Well, they went for it, right? Oh, they were not … You had to test and quarantine to go in.
Jamie Holms:
Oh, my gosh.
Dr. Andy Roark:
So people could not go … These people were separated from their families for the NBA season. It was bonkers. It was a crazy experiment. You should just read about it just to read about it. It’s incredible. But they were like, “We are going for it.” So all the journalists had to stay in. They couldn’t come and go. If you went, they called it the bubble. If you went into the bubble, you were in the bubble. So being in the bubble, according to Phil Jackson, had these really unique psychological challenges for the people who were there and the players. And they’re seeing social media and all these things that are going on and they’re away from their family, so keeping them focused and centered was really hard to get them to play basketball.
It was a simple thing that he did, but he had all of his players, they would all wear rubber bands around their wrists. That was it. And you were supposed to have your rubber band on. So he would get them to wear rubber bands around their wrists. And the reason was so that he could tell them to snap their bands, or if you were working with somebody and you could tell they were zoned out, they were not present in what you were doing, you could reach over and pull their rubber band and let it go so it smacked them. And it was enough of a stimulus that it would focus you back on the moment. This thing smacks on your wrists and you feel that amount a pain, it brings you back to, oh, this is what I’m doing. I’m present.
I never went as far as getting a rubber band for when chaos was going on all around me and I was being swept up in it, but for whatever reason, I would think about that rubber band. And I just found that, if I stop and focus on my breathing, and there’s something about if I just make a fist and look at my knuckles and just focus on them, that’s just my thing and I can get centered and bring my thoughts back to where we are. Anyway. We bring our thoughts back like that. That’s been key for me.
The other thing that I didn’t have in the toolbox when I wrote the article but I find myself doing now, I have found that it’s much easier, when I’m in the moment and things are going crazy, if I can step back for one second and just get a piece of paper and I say, “Great, what questions do I need answers to?” And if I can make a list of the questions I need answers to, that generally helps. It shifts me into a problem solving place that makes some sense it. So, “Why is this person mad? What can I do in this moment to help her feel better? What are the next steps, diagnostically, if the CBC machine doesn’t work?”
And that’s naturally where people’s minds go anyway, but I think a lot of us get stuck. We’re stuck in the stress and we don’t convert it to the action of, this is what I’m going to do next. And for whatever reason, for me, asking those questions, it makes clear my options. Because once I have the questions, I can go, “Great. I don’t have to answer these questions, but what do I need to do to find the answer to these questions? So what are my diagnostic options if the CBC machine continues not to work?” I can huddle up the other doctors real quick and ask and get some insight on that.
I don’t have to know the answer, but I know where I can get the answer. So now, getting that answer becomes an action step of something that I can do and it’s converting that feeling of powerlessness into something that I actually have agency over. And that’s been a tool in my toolbox recently of taking stress, taking chaos, converting it into a list of questions that I need to have answers to. And then, not trying to answer the questions, but grouping them together and saying, “Great. How am I going to get these answers?”
For example, here, let’s just say that I came up with a list of 10 questions I needed answers to. Well, I’m going to huddle the doctors up because I need some advice on what to do if I can’t get my CBC machine working. I’m also looking at my list. I could also ask the group of doctors four other questions that are on this list. And so now suddenly I’m calling a huddle, a doctor huddle, and I’m like, “Guys, I got four questions that I need help with. Bang, bang, bang, bang.” And it’s efficient and it’s fast and I’m getting what I need. And now, I’m back into having active control over the things that I got control over. So that’s just a shortcut that I’ve been using recently that I’ve just found. Again, everybody’s got to find their own thing, but man, that really works for me.
Jamie Holms:
Yeah, I love that. And it takes you from that emotional mindset, right? Because when we’re feeling powerless, that’s an emotion. We’re really wrapped up in that. It changes everything happening in our brain. Our heart is going faster and we’re uncomfortable. And once we get that little piece of control back by switching to that logical mindset by doing some creative problem solving and thinking that through, we’ve switched to that.
Dr. Andy Roark:
Well, I can go from anger or frustration to problem solving. That is a shift I can make. I have never been zen enough, and I probably will never be zen enough, to go from anger to tranquility. I can’t. But I can get around to tranquility if I’m like, “I am frustrated. All right, great. I’m going to switch out. Let’s start problem solving. What are the questions that we have? What are my questions?” And I can make questions while I’m ticked off. I’m like, “Why is this woman the worst?” And it’s helpful. I can get over towards positivity that way, but it’s almost like, if you try to go directly from anger to tranquility, it’s not going to happen. So I go from anger to problem solving, and then try to come back around into solutions. And then, ultimately, you can get to tranquility because you’re actively working on the thing that you’re working on.
I heard some advice one time. Again, I feel like I’m just pulling out different things that people said to me in my life, but for whatever reason, when you hear something that sticks, there’s usually a reason for that.
Jamie Holms:
For sure.
Dr. Andy Roark:
But I had a buddy, and one of his things was, he would say, “Life is what you focus on.” And I always thought that was really important as far as, when you’re in the clinic and there’s just chaos all around you, if you focus on the chaos and believing there’s chaos and being frustrated that there’s chaos, then, your life is chaos. It’s focused on chaos, it’s centered on chaos, it’s anchored to chaos, it’s what it is. But if we can get our head around, I’m going to focus on where I have agency, then, you have an empowered life.
So I can focus on the fact that I didn’t want to go to jury duty, I don’t have time to go to jury duty. Honestly, when I got called for jury duty, my wife had just gotten her breast cancer diagnosis. And I’m like, “Man, are you kidding me?” And that was happening in the background. So I can focus on that and my life can be fear and frustration, or I can say, “You know what? There’s probably some good to this.” Because what ended up happening was, I got called for one trial and it lasted half of one day, and that was it.
And basically, I had a week off at this time that my wife had her diagnosis, and it ended up being this really good thing. But boy, that was not my reception going in. But it just worked out that way. And it could have worked out differently, but life is … What if you focus on optimism? What if you’re like, “I’m going to focus on what’s good and what I can control. I’m going to focus on just being present and doing something different and getting my mind off of things that are going on elsewhere. I’m going to focus on the fact that I’m not in the clinic where things are crazy. I am, instead, just sitting in this jury box listening to someone explain what happened in a traffic accident and just, that’s what I’m doing.” Anyway. Life is what you focus on. I think really that has been really powerful for me.
Jamie Holms:
I agree. I think that’s incredible. When my dad and I were talking about agency, and he was a fire chief in Orange County and he had a lot of things he had no control over, and we talked about how he helped himself find that agency. He said creative problem solving was one of his number ones. And the second I thought was really interesting was that, when he got into that problem solving, that same thing that you’re talking about, that making a list, that it helped him flex his empathy and compassion, and then, that just changed his perspectives.
Dr. Andy Roark:
Oh, interesting.
Jamie Holms:
So that he could go into a situation with the board of supervisors and they were making a decision that maybe it wasn’t the best thing, in his opinion, for public safety. And he could ask himself, “What may make them make these decisions? Or what might they be thinking about? And how can I appeal to them differently?” Or, “What are their concerns? What problems are they trying to solve?”
And I think about that a lot when we go into practice and we’re sitting in there and we’re talking to people and the problem that we’re trying to solve is probably not the problem that they’re trying to solve. And I think about that. I think about that a lot. And how do we get to the place where we find out what problems they’re trying to solve so that we can help them get their agency back? Because I think that’s what’s happening, when they’re so angry, is that they feel like they also have no control in the situation. And how do we give them them some of their own agency back? And I think that’s a gift we can give them.
Dr. Andy Roark:
I really like that. Because empathy is a huge problem solving tool, right?
Jamie Holms:
Absolutely.
Dr. Andy Roark:
We talk about dealing with angry people, we talk about working with the staff, working with teams, trying to assume good intent on the part of others. All of these things are skills that we know are effective, and that, on our best days, we say, “Yes, this is how I handle this angry client.” So if I said, “Hey, what are the steps for dealing with this angry person?” I’m sure I’d get a list of wonderful things from everybody involved.
But of course, you say, “I’m going to try to hear this person. I’m going to try to assume good intent from this person. I’m going to remember that everyone’s fighting a battle we don’t know anything about. I’m going to try to empathize and sympathize,” and all of those things. So if I can get from frustration into problem solving, and then, problem solving says, “Okay, what are our tools to handle this?,” that gets me into empathy, assuming good intent. That’s how I come back around to tranquility. That’s beautiful, Jamie.
Hey, thanks so much for pushing to get together to talk about this.
Jamie Holms:
I love it.
Dr. Andy Roark:
I really appreciate you.
Jamie Holms:
This is great.
Dr. Andy Roark:
Thank you for doing this with me.
Jamie Holms:
Totally.
Dr. Andy Roark:
This is such good timing. I just had this conversation with my dad. I love it.
Jamie Holms:
Oh, thanks a lot. Awesome. Well, thanks to everybody for listening. Take care of yourselves, everybody.
Dr. Andy Roark:
Bye. And that’s it. That’s what I got for you guys. I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks to Jamie for being here. As always, if you enjoyed the episode, please do me a favor and leave me an honest review wherever you get your podcasts, or share the episode with your friends.
That’s how people find us, those two ways. Anyway, that’s what it’s all about. I want to help as many people as possible, and I need you guys to spread the word and let people know that we’re over here doing it. Otherwise, I feel like I’m just talking into the void, sometimes. But then, people come up and say, “Hey, you said this thing was really helpful,” and it all is worth it again. Anyway, that’s all I ask. That’s it. Anyway. Okay. Take care of yourselves. Be well. I’ll talk to you later on.